The FUNNIEST and DUMBEST Things People Said In Court

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Pin by John Silverberg on Quantum Legal Solutions | Pinterest

27 Reasons Nutella is my babe

1. Not to be superficial, but Nutella is ~damn fine~.

2. It’s smooth and creamy and unless you put it in the fridge (seriously, don’t do it people), it’s always going to look divine.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

3. Nutella is down for spooning 24/7.

“Relationship status. Spooning the biggest jar of Nutella available.”

4. And licking…

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner
Warner Bros.

5. Nutella’s nuts always taste great 😉

Nutella’s nuts always taste great ;)

6. Nutella looks good in anything.

Nutella looks good in anything.

Get this recipe at Recipe Tin Eats.

7. And ON anything.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

8. When you need a break from Nutella, you can just pop the lid back on.

9. Nutella will soak your tears.

Nutella will soak your tears.

Getty Images / Via BuzzFeed

10. Nutella will never ever make you feel bad.

11. Or judge you.

You keep spreading, baby.

12. Nutella doesn’t get jealous.

14. Nutella will never kill your vibe.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

15. Nutella won’t argue with you.

16. Nutella lets you be the dominant one.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

17. Nutella is never nasty, just so very sweet.

18. Of course you can get nasty with Nutella, if you really want to.

19. Nutella is great for sharing with your best friends.

20. Nutella satisfies you every single time.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

21. You can dip whatever you want in it.

You can dip whatever you want in it.

22. You can rub it all over yourself.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

23. You can stick your fingers in it.

24. Nutella makes your heart beat faster.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

25. But you don’t have to take Nutella out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

26. It just wants to be near you, with you, and inside you.

It just wants to be near you, with you, and inside you.

27. And lastly, you can introduce Nutella to your parents, and it’s guaranteed they’ll approve.

27 Reasons Nutella Is Your One And Only Life Partner

One guy, one instagram account and a lot of Nutella Jars!

Almost everybody loves Nutella, but the 24-year-old Wardere Farah is really loving it.

It is so fucking cute! I am in love with Nutella, too. I want marry him and get a lot of nutella babys haha

16 Kids That May Have All the Answers in Life

Quick, someone get these kids to Mensa!

1.

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Source: pikachu-epicness

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31 Excellent Valentines for Those Unromantic People in Your Life

#1 FOR THE ONE WHO MAKES YOU WANT TO HURL LESS THAN OTHERS DO

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Where to purchase: Click Here

#2 FOR YOUR FAVORITE PALEONTOLOGIST

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#3 FOR THE ONE YOU ARE STUCK WITH

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#4 FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE DESPITE THEIR FLAWS

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#5 FOR THE ONE WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE YOUR LOOFAH

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#6 FOR THE ONE WHO IS CLOTHING-ENDOWED

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#7 FOR THE ONE YOU’D “PULL A ROSS” FOR

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#8 FOR WHEN YOU JUST WANNA CUT TO THE CHASE

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#9 POETRY WITH A POINT

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#10 FOR THE GOLDEN GIRL WHO DESERVES MANY “ROSES”

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#11 FOR THE ONE WHO COULD BENEFIT FROM A CHANCE IN MEAL PLANS

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#12 FOR SOMEONE WHO BELONGS IN A MOVIE

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#13 FOR THE ONE YOU ADORE – EVEN THE “DARTH BREATHING” PART

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#14 FOR SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU MOONY

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#15 FOR THE ONE WHO MAKES YOU WANNA SING

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#16 FOR YOUR 90S ROCK LOOK-ALIKE (YOU LOVE THEM EVEN IF THEY ARE WEARING A TURTLENECK AND A FANNY PACK)

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#17 FOR THE ONE WHO LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT

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#18 FOR ONE WHO MAKES A STOVE PIPED HAT LOOK SEXY

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#19 WHEN YOUR LOVE IS MEASURED USING THE KARDASHIA METHOD

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#20 YOU FILL IN THE BLANK (**GRIN**)

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#21 FOR THE ONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL CARNIVOROUS

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#22 FOR YOUR INNER “CHERYL” TO HIS INNER “LARRY”

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#23 FOR THE ONE YOU’D SHAVE FOR

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#24 FOR THE ONE YOU CRAVE

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#25 FOR THE ONE WHO LIKES ROMANCE BUT DOESN’T DEMAND IT

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#26 FOR YOUR BUTCHER

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#27 FOR THE ONE WHO MIGHT NEED A LITTLE DIRECTION

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#28 FOR THE ONE WHO WOULD NOT JUDGE YOU

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#29 FOR THE ONE WHO MAKES YOU SPEAK PARSELTONGUE AND ENJOY IT

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#30 FOR THE ONE WITH A FACE YOU’D NEVER FORGET

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#31 FOR THE ONE YOU CANNOT GET AWAY FROM

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 Source: http://www.strongmindbraveheart.com/31-unromantic-valentines/

25 Things People Learned About Sex While Having Sex

no ragrets | via Tumblr

1. Vaginas are shallow.

That vaginas have a finish line.

2. Vaginas are deep.

The vagina is deeper than i expected. I’m asian by the way.

3. Vaginas are lower than I expected.

The opening of the vagina is lower than expected. I must of smooshed my dick head into her clit about 20 times before figuring it out.

4. It’s a man’s job to find “it.”

I always assumed it was the woman’s job to “guide” my penis in her vagina. I hovered over her and waited, and she just looked at me like, “what?”, and I asked if she could put it in, and she was all, “you’re a big boy, you can do this.”

5. Doing it doggy-style makes me self-conscious.

That when doing doggy, the guy is looking at my butthole as well. Knowing that now, I am conscious of poo and hair.

6. Penis skin moves.

Penis skin MOVES!! I thought a hand job involved rubbing the penis like you would to your finger. But the skin moves too!

7. It’s messy.

how messy it is and how awesome baby wipes are

8. Semen doesn’t evaporate.

Having to clean semen out, I thought it just stayed there and eventually disappeared.

9. Sometimes there are “weird-ass noises.”

Weird noises. Movies make sex seem so sensual, and it really is, but man, there are some weird-ass noises during sex.

10. Large penises don’t feel good.

That a huge dick does not equal better feeling. If anything the total opposite

11. Once you make her cum, she’s putty in your hands.

Once you make a woman orgasm really well, a surprising amount of them will let you do some pretty nasty shit to them, and they’ll enjoy it thoroughly.

12. Dried menstrual blood can be frightening in the morning.

Having drunken sex with a girl while she’s on her period, forgetting to clean up in the post coital bliss and falling asleep leads to terrifying thoughts upon waking up.

The first time it happened, it looked like I was turning into a zombie and the infection starting down there. Delightful.

13. ”It” doesn’t always work.

You cannot order a boner like a pizza.

14. You don’t always get an STD.

Unprotected sex doesn’t mean an STD every time. If that was true, I’d have dozens of AIDS.

15. Sometimes it’s better to be subtle.

That saying “You like that don’t you, you fucking retard” isn’t dirty talk…

16. It’s difficult to do “it” in the shower.

Shower sex… is really hard. Holding her up against the wall was one the riskiest things I’ve ever done

17. Your stomachs make suction sounds.

The farting noise that happens when your stomachs suction together after you get all sweaty.

18. I have tremendous endurance.

That I could last a whole 42 seconds.

19. It’s hard to maintain control when I have to pee.

Holding off from finishing during sex is a lot harder than holding it when you have to pee.

20. You get leg cramps.

Sex spawned leg cramps.

21. Her pleasure was more pleasurable to me than mine.

That I’d enjoy getting her off more than getting myself off.

22. It’s hard to synchronize orgasms.

You don’t cum at the same time, usually.

23. It’s about the same as masturbation.

That the quality of an orgasm from intercourse was pretty much the same as an orgasm that I’d given myself from masturbation. In other words, meh.

24. It’s not nearly as good as masturbation.

That I was an incredible masturbater and that sex was going to have some awesome build up but the actual sex wouldn’t feel as good as fapping. No one will ever know how to work your junk like you do. It the shared experience that makes it is awesome not the magical vaginal feelings.

25. Sometimes it’s better than masturbation, sometimes it’s not.

I thought it would be 100x better than masturbation. It’s not.

Really, really good sex is probably 1.5x better than a good fap. Bad sex is probably 1/2 as good as a fap.

TC mark

Check out our practical guide to finding, friending, hooking up, breaking up and falling in love in the 21st century.

date-better.v2

Found on AskReddit.

The 20 Best Cartoons of the 90’s

The 90’s were a golden age of cartoons. We had a blast putting together the 20 best, and we’re sure this list will inspire some discussion. Our only criteria was that the cartoon had to start in the 90’s, meaning a couple of very late in the decade entries were still eligible. We did make a small exception for one show, but we think you’ll agree it was warranted. Enjoy!

20. Darkwing Duck

Production Period: 1991-1995

This Disney smash followed Drake Ballard and his alter-ego, Darkwing Duck. Darkwing and his adopted daughter, Gosalyn Mallard resided in the town of St. Canard and used their powers to perform good acts all over their town. Darkwing Duck was a spin off of the Disney Series Duck Tales.

19. Doug

Production Period: 1991-1994, later 1996-1999

Doug Funnie and his best friend Skeeter got into all kind of adventures in the fictional town of Bluffington. Alongside Doug’s dog Porkchop, the trio got into all kind of trouble. Although the show eventually switched from Nickelodeon to Disney, it ran for a total of 116 episodes and even spawned one feature film.

18. Talespin

Production Period: 1990-1994

Using characters adapted from the 1967 movie, The Jungle Book, Talespin was set in the town of Cape Suzette. Baloo the Bear is out of work until he lands a job as a pilot. An orphan boy and former air pirate named Kit Cloudkicker attaches to Baloo and becomes his navigator. The pair share their adventures as Baloo becomes a permanent fixture in the child’s life.

17. Rocko’s Modern Life

Production Period: 1993-1996

Rocko’s Modern life followed the life of wallaby Rocko. The show, which was more adult than anyone could have imagined, was full of sexual innuendos and was written by a man who had no experience with cartoons or kids. After 52 episodes, the show called it quits, but the unique animation and brilliant storylines earned it a place on our list.

16. Pinky and The Brain

Production Period: 1995-1999

Originally starting as a recurring segment on the hit show Animaniacs, Pinky and The Brain finally landed their own show in 1995. Pinky and Brain are genetically enhanced laboratory mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility. Each episode involves one of Brain’s plans for world domination with Pinky’s assistance, and the ultimate failure of that plan. The series took home several Emmys, including the 1996 Award for Best Animated series.

15. The Critic

Production Period: 1994-1995

The Critic focused on movie-critic Jay Sherman, who gained a reputation for hating most films he saw. The Critic brought satire to the masses, in his negative review of each film, frequently offering a list of diseases he would rather have than seeing a movie again. The show ran for only 2 seasons, getting canceled after just 23 episodes. We think it was just a little too brilliant for it’s time.

14. Tiny Toon Adventures

Production Period: 1990-1995

Another animated venture by the great Steven Spielberg, Tiny Toon Adventures followed the toons at Acme Acres. Following the everyday lives of characters set to resemble Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Sylvester the Cat and Elmer Fudd, they attended school at Acme Looniversity, where they learned how to be funny. Tiny Toon Adventures took home 2 different Daytime Emmy Awards for Animated Show and is ranked 41st in the Top 100 Animated TV Shows.

13. Bobby’s World

Production Period: 1990-1998

Bobby’s World was truly a unique show. Created by Howie Mandel, the world was shown through four-year-old Bobby Generic’s over-imaginative eyes. Bobby faced the same trials as most young kids, but dealt with it through comedy and laughter. The show ended its run on February 23 1998 after an 80 episode run. FOX Kids has released some episodes on DVD, and even created a game based on the intellectual property.

12. Animaniacs

Production Period: 1993-1998

Animaniacs was presented by Steven Spielberg and was the second highest rated cartoon in the 2–11 and children ages 6–11 demographics. The storyline followed The Warners, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, three cartoon stars from the 1930s that were locked away in the Warner Bros. water tower until the 1990s. Upon their escape, they often interacted with some of the human characters working at the studio. The Animanics took home several awards, including multiple Daytime Emmy Awards. It also comes in at #17 on the All-Time Best Cartoon Lists.

11. King of the Hill

Production Period: 1997-2009

King of the Hill follows the Hills, a Methodist family from Texas, and their mundane, everyday sort of life. Since it’s creation in 97, King of the Hill has been nominated for 7 Emmy’s with 2 wins, and was even named one of Time Magazines Top 100 Television shows of all times. ‘Hill’ was recently canceled to make way for ‘The Cleveland Show’ (a Family Guy spin off), but the show finishes as one of the longest running prime time animated shows of all time.

10. Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Production Period: 1994-2004

Space Ghost Coast to Coast was one of the most refreshing and inventive cartoons to come out of the nineties. Set up like an animated talk show, the series brought back 60’s cartoon Space Ghost as the awkward, and sometimes painful show’s host. Space Ghost’s question often left the guests feeling confused and the audience was sometime led to believe the guests didn’t even realize they were on a talk show. The cartoon was even equipped with a laugh track. Space Ghost opened up the network to other “talk show” concepts, which eventually made the way for spin offs like Cartoon Planet and The Brak Show.

9. The Tick

Production Period: 1994-1996

The Tick is one of the animated series that didn’t run for very long, but reached cult status quickly. The Tick focused on a super hero who was well known for his “Spooooooon!” battle cry and his skin-tight blue suit. This satirical take on the super hero craze is considered one of the best animated series of all time, even though it only ran for 36 episodes.

8. Ren and Stimpy

Production Period: 1991-1996, later 2003

Ren and Stimpy, a dog/cat pair, were one of the most neurotic duo’s to hit television in the 90’s. When the show first started, it was described as frightening and often violent, which paired with the slow production schedule, caused the shows first director to be fired. When the show came back in 1993, it was re-formatted to suit the masses, and eventually led to four years of success for the show. The duo returned to television briefly in 2003, only to be removed once it began delving into plot-lines that were considered “too adult” for television.

7. Spongebob Squarepants

Production period: 1999-Present

When Spongebob Squarepants premiered on May 1 after the 1999 Kids Choice Awards, Nickelodeon didn’t know they had just launched one of the most popular kids cartoons of all times. Spongebob reached popularity in the middle of its second season, and hasn’t slowed down since. The low-budget show proved that you didn’t have spend a lot of money to make a lot, and eventually made way for cartoons like ‘The Fairly Odd Parents’ and ‘Avatar: The Last Airbender’. The show follows a sea sponge (Spongebob) and his best friend star fish (Patrick) on several of their adventures around their hometown of Bikini Bottom. The show is made to be enjoyed by kids and their parents by including more adult innuendos and soundtracks that feature artists like Wilco, The Shins, Twisted Sister and David Bowie (who appeared in the shows most watched episode of all times). Spongebob is still going strong and can be viewed on Nickelodeon!

6. Daria

Production Period: 1997-2002

Daria, a spin-off of Beavis and Butt-head, also aired on MTV. Daria followed a misanthropic, intelligent high school aged girl (Daria) and her daily encounters with the world around her. The show often referred to the unfortunate circumstances that usually affect teens as well as references to pop culture, especially music. The series followed Daria through her awkward high school years and ended eventually with her graduation and acceptance into college. After 65 episodes and 2 TV movies, the series called it quits on January 21st of 2002.

5. Family Guy

Production Period: 1999-2002, 2005-Present

Much like Futurama, Family Guy took everything positive from the cartoons of the early 90’s combined it with the lack of political correctness of the 2000’s and forged it’s way through the depths of animated comedies. Family Guy, which first aired on January 31 of 1999, is one of the most iconic cartoons of all time, even producing a spin off show in ‘The Cleveland Show’. Focusing on the Griffin family, the show follows their day-to-day life in suburbia. The show often features other characters (Cleveland, Quagmire) but most story lines revolve around Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie and their trusty talking dog, Brian. Nothing on Family Guys is what it seems, but it seems like everything you’d want to see in a cartoon.

4. Futurama

Production Period: 1999-2003

Futurama might barely make our list, only premiering on March 28, of 1999, but the quality of the show makes it a must include. The show is essentially a workplace comedy, focusing on three main characters, Bender, Leela and Fry as they go about their days as ‘Planet Express’ delivery employees. Futurama was officially canceled in 2003, but can still be seen as syndication on Comedy Central.

3. Beavis and Butt-head

Production Period: 1993-1997

Beavis and Butt-head first appeared on television on MTV back in 1993. Beavis and Butt-head are two teenage guys who get by obsessing over music videos, contemplating their sarcastic version of life and testing out really bad ideas. The show ended in 97, but it is still considered a pop icon of the nineties.

2. South Park

Production Period: 1997-Present

A cartoon that focuses on 3rd graders at a Colorado elementary school. It doesn’t exactly sound the like the recipe for a successful television series. But South Park is possibly the most successful animated series of all times. Since 1997, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny have been presenting political topics and taboo topics with a comedic ease that leaves audiences laughing, even when they know they shouldn’t be. In 2000, the boys made the switch from third to fourth grade, where they have remained ever since. During the first 5 seasons, the show was infamous for killing Kenny near the end of every episode, then bringing him back the next week with no explanation of his death or return. The show always reflects pop culture phenomenons, or current fads in society, addressing everything from ‘High School Musical’ hysteria to ‘The Lord of the Rings’ madness. After a motion picture and over 180 episodes, South Park is still going strong, and will be for at least a couple of more years as it has been renewed through 2011!

1. The Simpsons

Production Period: 1989-present

Probably one of the most iconic cartoons of all times, we realize ‘The Simpsons’ didn’t technically get their start in the 90’s, but since it was just a couple weeks shy we felt we could bend the rules a bit. The original run date was December 17, 1989, which was a date that set the bar for all cartoons in the next decade. The Simpsons quality has certainly declined of late, but during the 90’s it was consistently cranking out top notch entertainment, and easily takes the top spot on our list of best 90’s cartoons.

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True

1. Being bisexual and single isn’t easy: You carry the weight of all the world’s attractive people on your shoulders.

2. Every dip into the dating pool turns into a full-blown existential crisis.

3. After having to explain your sexuality over and over again, you basically have a script memorized.

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True

4. And even then, there are still some people who just don’t get it.

* deep breath *

5. Everyone says you have double the odds when it comes to dating, which like… OK, sure, but also like… what?

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True

6. Deciding it’s best to divide and conquer, you end up with three different online dating profiles – and very little free time.

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True
OkCupid

7. The unsolicited messages from couples test your sense of humor each and every day.

The unsolicited messages from couples test your sense of humor each and every day.

8. You’ll never understand why individuals looking to “experiment” often see you as a willing volunteer:

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True

** Unless of course you want to be that person. Go be that person for them!

9. On the bright side, you are the jedi master of “bi” puns:

On the bright side, you are the jedi master of "bi" puns:

10. Attending “gay nights” at the local bar feels like going undercover, even though you have every right to be there.

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True

11. Your flirting game always varies from situation to situation.

Your flirting game always varies from situation to situation.

12. And when you finally settle into a healthy and happy relationship, this conversation has to happen:

No really, it happens.

13. Some people will assume you’ve finally “chosen a side.”

Some people will assume you've finally "chosen a side."

14. And coming out to the person you’re currently dating feels like jumping off a cliff into a deep, dark abyss.

16 Things All Bisexual People In The Dating World Know To Be True
NBC

Deciding when and how to come out to the person you’re dating will never be an easy call.

15. Then again, your life will be full of seriously difficult decisions.

Then again, your life will be full of seriously difficult decisions.

16. Deep down you know that when you find the right person, everything will swiftly fall into place.